Reduce your child’s anxiety: strategies to try

Usually called “belly breathing”, this is an excellent way of breathing to reduce the heart rate and calm the body. If you're like me, you can use it while sat in the dentist chair!

If you make your belly expand outwards as you breathe in (your chest doesn’t move!), the diaphragm muscle is pulled down. This fills your lungs in a much more effective way than normal breathing because there's more room for air.

Obviously you don’t do it all the time. But if your child can learn how to do it, it reduces anxiety and brings on relaxation when they need it. 

It’s best practised lying down with one hand on the chest and the other on the belly. That way you can check that the chest remains still and the belly is rising and falling.

Help your child to know when they’re getting anxious. They then take a few deep breaths in this way to stem the tide. That will help their mind become free to think again. Then they can decide what they need to do about the anxious situation.

If you child needs to calm down from being stressed out, they can pretend their fingers and thumbs are 10 candles. 

They simply take a breath and slowly blow out the first “candle”. They can also waft the thumb or finger to show the flickering flame, and lower the finger when the candle goes out (ie their breath runs out).

Gently breathe in again and start on the next candle. No hurry.

If they’re slowly blowing out candles, they can’t keep up the rapid breathing and raised heart rate that goes with stress! Their immediate stress is reduced while you and they together work out what to do about the situation.

Your child can fold their arms at the elbows and make them into a cross over their chest. This forms the butterfly wings.

Tapping each hand against the shoulder – slowly – will gradually bring down breathing speed and heart rate. 

What is “slowly”? Each two taps takes about a second – that’s the best I can say. 

Photographers used to count seconds (when exposing their negatives) by saying, “One Kodak, two Kodak, three Kodak etc” (in the days before digital photos!) – but that, too, is open to interpretation!

Slower is better than faster, as it reduces the anxiety.

Do you have a set of shaped wooden building blocks in the toy box? (The TickIt73438 set is excellent for children of all ages and a great investment. Just don't buy it on eBay where prices are inflated.)

You also need two dice. If you only have one, throw it twice to get two numbers. We're going to experiment with managing to build with what you're given!

• Divide the bricks into six types. Agree with your child which set is for which number on the dice.
• Taking turns, you then throw the dice to get two numbers. Take one item from each of the relevant piles. If you throw 4 and 2, you take one piece each from piles 4 and 2. 
• Place them in your own building. You have to imagine what you’ll build when you first start. The only rule: you can’t move anything once it’s placed!

How does this help acceptance and flexibility to solve problems?

You get what you’re given by the dice. Too bad if you don’t like it. You have to change your plan. Joke about it. Make it fun.

When the pieces are used up, inspect each other’s buildings. 

Make up your own rules for deciding what to do when one set of shapes is used up. Maybe take from the number below?

Then view your structures. You can either say jokingly, “Mine’s better than yours because…” – and use your imagination a lot with these reasons! Your child will then say why theirs is best. You set the tone, though. Then go back and forth disputing the verdicts!

Or, as a twist, say why you like your child’s best ie give valid reasons that build self-esteem. Your child then has to praise yours too. That's good practice at being sociable.

This feedback/answer depends on what you’re aiming at by doing this activity. Either way, fun and laughter and going with the flow is what it’s all about. 

Anxious children are often set in their ways and afraid to change. This is an experiment with doing things differently to reduce overall anxiety when things don’t go according to plan. 

It’s also a super fun game.

We all learn life skills as we grow up. Sometimes a child will not have the right skill at the right time, despite being on target with their development. That’s because we can’t organise what life throws at them.

Anxiety is definitely reduced if your child knows the things they need to know.

So when you’ve chatted to your child, or played with them, and worked out what it is they’re anxious about, grab a piece of paper.

Head it: “Everything I need to know to sort this out”

Then work with your child to write a list.

You could ask, “What do you need to be able to do that would help you not be so worried?”

• A younger child might need to be able to dress themselves for school because Mum and Dad are often busy and they worry about being late.
• An older child might need to know how to put the washing in the machine.
• A child might need to read and understand a simple map so you can show them how far away they’ll be when they visit a relative.
• Perhaps they need a formula for solving problems – not a Maths one but a way of tackling any problem.
• Maybe, they need to learn how to stand tall and feel confident.
• Or speak easily with someone they meet – so-called small talk. Teach them some opening gambits. Teach them to ask questions so that they're usually the listener! That takes the focus off them. Teach them to listen.
• Have good table manners when out and about.
• Be able to occupy themselves when alone.

There are so many things I could add. But the main point is that for every skill your child has, their self-esteem goes up a point. 

Right now, try to focus on the one that will help them most to reduce their current anxious thought – but in general you could try to keep them up to scratch every year of their life. (As if you didn’t have enough to do already!)

Families are all so busy these days! Two jobs, different shifts, childminders, swimming clubs, helicopter parenting, shopping, visiting, school sports (well, not so much that in 2020-21, but usually). 

It’s hard to know what can be cut out.

But often, when a child is stressed or anxious, they’re in a family where there’s a general level of stress that isn’t doing anyone any good. No one’s fault. Just modern life.

So – this is an activity to have a look at priorities. You may not be able to change anything, but it’s good to know you reviewed things.

And funnily enough, usually one little thing jumps out to everyone. Something that limits your child’s and your family’s agenda to a more manageable size.

So – grab a pencil and jot down the main things that have to be done. Any order will do. Let your child or children join in too. Give it some quality time (if you can find a sliver!).

When you have a list:

• Compare the top two items. Give one point or mark to the one that is more important than the other.
• Compare the top one with the 3rd item and award a point in similar fashion. It helps to keep your fingers in place while comparing. I’m hoping you can come to an agreement about an item’s importance to the family.
• Compare items 1 and 4.
• Continue till every item has been compared to every other. Continue dishing out points. You’ll find the job shrinks quickly because, further down, that item has already been compared with one further up.
• Get your child to tally up the score. They need to be taking part as much as possible.
• Note what order the result shows. Highest score is the most value to the family. Any surprises?

The lowest couple of scores are what you look at to see if you can eliminate them or alter them in some way that will reduce stress and anxiety in the family – and therefore in your child. They pick up our feelings so quickly.

Sometimes when your child is showing symptoms of anxiety – whatever the cause – the best thing to do temporarily is to offer far fewer choices. 

This might be to do with what to wear, which friend to visit, when to do homework or what can be eaten at any particular time. Maybe how many hours of television or hours on a device. You’ll think of your own limits to impose, of course.

But the benefit is that having few choices reduces worry time and anxious thinking. You’re taking over – but not for ever. You’ll be bearing in mind your child’s need to feel competent – but you can explain to them why. “Just while we both sort out your anxiety” – perhaps using any of the methods covered in other sections on this site.

Whichever the type of anxiety your child’s displaying, there will be certain things that they’re doing. Or avoiding. Or thinking. Or saying.

For example, always coming in from school, grabbing a snack, plonking themselves in front of the TV and leaving homework till last thing before bed.

Another example: a child not wanting to make the transition from your care to the childminder. They make it a struggle to get them dressed. They fiddle with their breakfast. They start crying exactly as they have to put on their coat. When you start noticing, you’ll see the patterns!

I’m calling that pattern “the cake”. The challenge is to change the cake. If you don’t put chocolate powder in, you still have a cake but not the same one.

You can’t omit some of these things in your child’s pattern, obviously. What you can do it to alter the order – you’ll still have a cake but not the same old boring one. Maybe give them breakfast first in their PJs, then get them dressed. 

Maybe it could be homework while eating a healthy snack and no TV till it’s done. That way you’ve covered the post-school hunger but stopped homework being done when they’re too tired.

This is a very simple way of changing the ingredients. You can probably think of something more suited to your child.

The thing to notice is that when a routine is changed, the habits that go with it have to change too. You’re being a disruptor of your child’s anxiety pattern. It throws them – but in a good way. It reduces and subtly alters the anxious behaviour.

Imagine your child slumped on the sofa worrying themselves silly about having to read in front of the class the next day. They’re not going to practise – they can’t face it. Their mind is seething with negative thoughts about what will go wrong. They keep saying to you that they can’t face it.

Body? Slumped. Words? “Can’t.” Focus? On negative thoughts.

Change one of these and you have the Best Way Forward.

If they’re slumped, initiate some activity that is running, dancing, walking, jogging, whatever. Perhaps at least stand up and help you with a task.

Or – change their focus by (for example) pointing out something or asking them to sort something or count something for you.

Or – the hardest – change their negative thinking about performing in front of the class. That’s what they’re focusing on, isn’t it?

You’ll need to find out the negative, unhelpful thoughts. “What are you thinking?” “What are you thinking when you imagine standing up?"

“I’ll go red,” or “People will laugh at me if I make a mistake.”

When you’ve heard the thought, don’t counteract it but acknowledge it. “That’s awful to be thinking that. No wonder you can’t be bothered to practise. If I were thinking that, I wouldn’t want to do it either.”

When you’ve offered this understanding, your child will feel you’re on their side. That’s when you can ask how you can both think of something else that is a more helpful thought.

It’s the more helpful thought that will reduce the anxiety enough to let your child prepare. Maybe: “I can practise taking deep, slow breaths before I stand up, so I don’t go red with embarrassment.” Or “If I practise tonight, I’m much less likely to make a mistake tomorrow because my brain will know what the sentences are already.”

You’re only going to try to alter one of these things: the body, the words or the focus (ie thinking).

And, sorry, but you’re going to have to apply all this to your own child’s anxiety, as my example is just that: an example! But parents are the best people to do this anyway.

If your child is the sort of child who gets anxious about all sorts of things during the day, set up some family routines. Anything. It might be who does the chores when. Or having a family meal at the table twice a week. Or tidying bedrooms on a Saturday morning. Maybe a family walk on Sunday afternoon.

Hopefully several of these together.

Why? Because anxiety is reduced if everyone knows the routines in your family. The family even becomes protective of their routines. It gives a sense of structure, peace and confidence. And pride.

Make sure everyone has a part to play in the whole range of routines you decide on.

And if there are any objections on a specific day? “This is what we do in our family. It’s the [Brown] family routine.”

The routine routine is time-consuming to establish to start with, but repays the effort seven-fold in terms of reducing anxiety. That’s an everyday plus.

One of the most long-lasting and successful mantras I ever set up in my therapy practice was in response to something going wrong that a child was trying to do. I used to remind them: “What do we say?” 

The first time, they look surprised and don’t know the answer (of course!) – but it’s already forestalled their understandable focus on the shame of failure. 

Then I give the answer to my own question, in a suitably "frustrated but grinning" voice: “Bother, bother, try again!”

This becomes a shared joke, a mantra, and a good way of building confidence in any child that failure is just normal in life. It’s what you do next that counts.

We end up parroting it together when the clay falls apart or the block structure falls down.

This attitude to failure is a good antidote to anxious thoughts about what could go wrong. In nearly every sort of anxiety, there are negative thoughts about what will go wrong if they do something or go somewhere. That’s what anxiety is.

So when they now have a fun verbal response "at the ready", it helps the mantra to become their reality – and the fear of failure or shame reduces.

I've given a complete description of this here, but briefly it means making three pictures (yes, of a fish, a hammer and a present/gift!) and encouraging your child to write down their worries on slips of paper and distribute them into the three groups. Go have a look if you'd like more explanation. I've used this very effectively with many children to help them start working on their worries and reducing them.